The Four Horsemen is a concept often used in couples therapy, particularly at Authentic Connections. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Four Horsemen describe patterns of communication that predict the erosion and eventual breakdown of a relationship

In couples therapy, we explore (amongst other things) how these patterns show up between partners, the cycles they create, and the impact they have over time. But what happens when we start using these same patterns on ourselves? How does criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling show up in our relationship with ourselves, arguably the most important relationship we have? 

The intent behind this post is to explore how the Four Horsemen can become internalized and directed inward. Additionally, journaling about how each of these shows up in your life could really help you track how the Four Horsemen authentically show up in your relationship with yourself. 

Rethinking Your Relationship With Your Phone

There is a lot of shame around our relationship with our phones. How much we use them, what we Google about our own problems, and how compulsive it can feel to check them. These devices are intentionally designed to be addictive, yet we’re often left holding the shame of being pulled in.

Most of us already know this.

But with AI on the rise and people increasingly turning to their phones for answers, support, and distraction, screen time is only becoming more embedded in our daily lives. Instead of adding more shame or rigid rules, I want to offer a different approach. One that is practical, internally driven, and invites you to consider your own relationship with your phone. In the following sections, I will share several practical strategies you can try, each designed to help you shape your phone habits in realistic, sustainable ways.

During the 2026 Super Bowl, tennis legend Serena Williams appeared in a commercial promoting GLP-1 weight-loss medication through the telehealth company Ro. The ad framed the medication as part of her postpartum health journey and emphasized something many people struggle with: bodies change and losing weight can be difficult.

Most of us were not taught how to talk about sex, let alone how to have pleasurable sex. We’re often taught to keep our desires, preferences, and struggles private. Even in long-term relationships, it can feel vulnerable to say, “I want something different,” or “Something isn’t working for me.” However, when we avoid talking about sex, this can sometimes lead to resentment or disconnection from ourselves and our partners. Maybe you’ve wondered why you can love your partner deeply and still struggle with desire, or why arousal feels easy sometimes and impossible at others. If you want things to shift, it can be helpful to understand your accelerators and brakes.

I’ve been doing therapy with folks for years and there are certain phrases that I’ve heard time and time again that are so ubiquitous that I feel the need to write about them. This single phrase has shown up across different clients, relationships, careers, family dynamics, and life decisions. People tend to say it when they’re talking about something that feels hollow or unfulfilling. It might be used to justify a relationship, a job, a home, or some version of the life they thought they wanted.

In the Stone Ages of psychotherapy, it was rare to discuss topics that were considered taboo, such as politics, money, or religion. Thankfully, this is no longer the case — your relationship with money can be a powerful topic to explore in therapy.

 As a therapist, I embrace taboo. Therapy is a space where topics that are often avoided can be given air in a culture that stifles them. Money is not a “gross” or “embarrassing” topic — treating it as such only gives it more control. We all need to interact with money, and for many reasons, these interactions are often stressful, shame-filled, and defeating. Furthermore, there are very real systemic barriers to financial wellness that impact people in major ways that fuel this distress. 

Boundaries are a cornerstone of emotional well-being, yet they are often misunderstood. Setting a boundary isn’t about building walls or shutting people out, it’s about creating clear lines that protect your energy, values, and sense of self. Boundaries are an act of self-respect, allowing us to engage in relationships in ways that feel authentic, sustainable, and mutually respectful. 

Many people come to therapy with the sense that they’ve always had to be “the strong one.” It may be a source of pride and identity, but also lead to exhaustion, resentment, guilt, or anxiety. This “strong one” role often goes unnoticed because people’s lives look stable from the outside. Usually, early in therapy, the childhood experience of parentification comes to light.

Parentification describes when a child is placed in the role of a parent before they are developmentally ready for these responsibilities. While children naturally take on responsibilities as they grow, parentification goes beyond age-appropriate contribution. It requires a child to prioritize the needs of the adults around them while minimizing or suppressing their own.

Most of us are taught that healthy relationships are built on communication, such as using the right words, explaining ourselves clearly, and resolving conflict through conversation. However, while words do matter, they are often not where connection begins. Connection begins in the body with our nervous system. Our nervous system is listening first before meaning is made, intentions are interpreted, or logic is accessed. Your body is trying to answer the question: Am I safe here?

And the answer to that question does not just come from words, it comes from consistency of another person meeting you where you are at in the moment. This is where co-regulation comes in.

Why Co-Regulation Matters in Relationships: The Power of Shared Silence

Most of us are taught that healthy relationships are built on communication, such as using the right words, explaining ourselves clearly, and resolving conflict through conversation. However, while words do matter, they are often not where connection begins. Connection begins in the body with our nervous system. Our nervous system is listening first before meaning is made, intentions are interpreted, or logic is accessed. Your body is trying to answer the question: Am I safe here?

And the answer to that question does not just come from words, it comes from consistency of another person meeting you where you are at in the moment. This is where co-regulation comes in.

Many people come to therapy saying something like, “My childhood wasn’t that bad,” or “Other people had it worse, why am I struggling now?” Downplaying early experiences is incredibly common, especially when stress or conflict were frequent growing up. However, one of the most important discoveries in mental health research is that early adversity influences not just emotional well-being, but physical health as well. These early experiences are known as Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs.

At its core, mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment, on purpose and without judgment. It’s not about emptying your mind or trying to get rid of unpleasant thoughts and sensations. It’s about noticing what’s happening, both internally and externally, with curiosity rather than criticism. As you practice observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment, you’ll notice that, over time, your anxiety gets quieter, you ruminate less frequently, your stress feels more manageable, and you’re able to slow down before reacting to stressful events or conversations. You don’t have to go all-in with lengthy mindfulness meditations; there are lots of ways you can start small, so that implementing a mindfulness practice into your life can be a sustainable habit.