Why We Push Love Away: Understanding the Attachment Roots of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Understanding the hidden patterns behind pushing away what we want most. 

Hint: It’s not self-destruction, it’s a form of protection. 

Have you ever found yourself pulling away just when things start to feel close? Picking fights out of nowhere? Shutting down when your partner shows you care?

You’re not alone.

Relationship sabotage isn’t always loud or dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle: a distancing comment, an excuse not to reach out, a sense of unease you can’t quite name. And often, it's not about them — it’s about what your nervous system has learned to expect from closeness.

Your Nervous System Is Wired for Survival, Not Intimacy.

When we've been hurt, neglected, or overwhelmed in relationships (especially early ones), our bodies and brains adapt. We learn to scan for threat — not just physical, but emotional. Even love can feel threatening if, in the past, love came with strings, rejection, or instability.

In a safe relationship, our nervous system might still say:

This is too good to be true.
They’ll leave eventually.
If I get too close, I’ll lose myself.

So, we do what once protected us — we pull away, lash out, or emotionally shut down. Not because we don’t want connection, but because connection feels like danger.

We Perpetuate What We Fear.

Here is a painful paradox: when we fear abandonment, we might test our partner to prove they’ll leave. When we fear being too much, we might suppress our needs until resentment erupts. When we fear rejection, we might reject first.

This is how self-protection becomes self-sabotage.

For example:

• Someone with anxious/preoccupied attachment might become clingy or accusatory when they sense distance — unintentionally pushing the other person further away.

• Someone with avoidant/dismissive attachment may feel overwhelmed by intimacy and pull away — confirming the fear that they’ll always be alone.

• Someone with disorganized/fearful attachment might crave closeness and fear it at the same time — leading to unpredictable push-pull patterns.

What Can You Do?

It is important to remember that these patterns are adaptive. Here are some helpful pointers for navigating these patterns:

1. Learn to Recognize Your Patterns Without Shame

Start by getting curious:

• What situations tend to trigger my distancing or panic?

• What’s the story I tell myself when I feel close to someone?

• Is this fear rooted in this relationship, or something older?

Awareness is the first step toward choice.

2. Regulate Your Nervous System in Real Time

When you feel hijacked by emotion or the urge to run/fight/please:

• Try grounding tools: deep breathing, cold water, moving your body.

• Remind yourself: This might feel like danger, but it’s not danger right now.

Safe relationships feel uncomfortable at first if you’re used to chaos. That’s okay. Calm is not the enemy; it’s just unfamiliar.

3. Build a Relationship with Your Protective Parts

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that these reactive patterns are parts of you trying to help. The part that shuts down? Maybe it's trying to protect from rejection. The part that clings? Maybe it doesn’t want to be left behind.

Try gently asking: What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t act this way?

Compassionate curiosity is the next step toward choice.

4. Bring Your Triggers into the Relationship — with Care

Instead of reacting from your trigger, speak about it:

“When you didn’t text back, part of me got really scared I did something wrong.”
“I noticed myself pulling away when you got close. I think that part of me is afraid of needing someone.”

Vulnerability invites intimacy — and also gives your partner a chance to show up differently.

5. Work with a Therapist Who Gets It

Relational patterns are deeply wired — and they’re not easy to untangle alone. A therapist trained in attachment, trauma, or IFS can help you explore the roots of your patterns and build new ways of relating — both to yourself and to others.

Final Thoughts: Self-Sabotage Is Self-Protection in Disguise

If you’re noticing a tendency to push away that which you are longing, know this: you’re not flawed — you’re adaptive. Somewhere along the line, your system learned that love came with pain. And now, you’re learning a new way.

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Attachment Based Therapy Denver, Colorado

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Have you ever found yourself pulling away just when things start to feel close? You’re not alone. Our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can help you explore the roots of your patterns and build new ways of relating — both to yourself and to others. Follow the steps below to get started.

1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.

2. If you think Attachment Based Therapy with a focus on dating is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.

3. Begin the exciting journey of understanding your protective patterns, so you can stop pushing love away and start letting it in — with compassion, courage, and choice!

We hope to hear from you soon!