How to Express Emotions in Relationships: A Therapist’s Guide to Emotional Awareness and Connection
In any close relationship, emotions run the show, whether we realize it or not. Emotions shape how we interpret our partner's actions, how we respond to conflict, and how we build intimacy. Yet, many of us were never taught how to identify our emotions, let alone share them in a way that brings us closer to the people we love.
In couples therapy, I often see that one of the most important skills partners can develop is emotional awareness and expression. In this post, I want to explore why emotions matter so much in relationships and share some practical tools for identifying and expressing your emotions more effectively.
The Role of Emotions in Relationships
Emotions are not just fleeting reactions; they’re information. They tell us what matters, what we need, and where our boundaries are. In relationships, when emotions are acknowledged and expressed, they can be a bridge to understanding and connection. But when they’re ignored, minimized, or misunderstood, they can become barriers that lead to distance, resentment, or conflict.
Emotional expression is not about being dramatic or reactive, it’s about being authentic and vulnerable. Sharing how we feel, especially in challenging moments, creates space for empathy and allows our partners to show up for us in meaningful ways.
What is Meta-Emotion?
The Gottmans use the term meta-emotion to describe how people feel about emotions, both their own and others’. Your meta-emotion philosophy is shaped by your early experiences and family culture around feelings. For example, some people grew up in homes where emotions were welcomed and discussed openly. Others were taught to “tough it out” or felt ashamed for crying or showing anger.
There are generally two types of meta-emotion philosophies:
Emotion-Dismissing: Emotions are seen as unimportant or problematic. People may try to minimize or avoid emotional expression, often with good intentions (e.g., to reduce conflict or stay “rational”).
Emotion-Coaching: Emotions are viewed as valuable and worthy of attention. People with this approach tend to be curious about feelings and use emotional moments as opportunities for connection.
When partners have different meta-emotion philosophies, it can create tension. For example, one partner might want to process feelings deeply, while the other prefers to “move on” quickly. Learning to understand each other’s emotional experiences—and philosophies—can be transformative for the relationship.
How to Identify What You’re Feeling
Identifying your emotions is the first step toward expressing them. Here are a few strategies:
Slow Down: When you feel reactive, pause and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?” Often, anger, frustration, or withdrawal masks more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, or hurt.
Use a Feelings Wheel: Tools like the Feelings Wheel can help expand your emotional vocabulary. Instead of saying “I’m fine” or “I’m just mad,” you might notice that you’re actually feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, or lonely.
Check In with Your Body: Emotions often show up in physical ways—tight shoulders, a heavy chest, or a lump in the throat. Your body might be telling you what your mind hasn’t fully registered yet.
How to Share Your Feelings Effectively with a Partner
Once you’ve identified what you're feeling, the next step is to share it in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness. Here are a few tips:
Use “I” Statements: Speak from your own experience. For example, “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans” instead of “You always let me down.”
Be Specific and Vulnerable: Try to go beyond surface-level expressions. For example, “I felt anxious and unimportant when I didn’t hear from you,” opens the door to a deeper conversation.
Stay Curious: Invite your partner to share their perspective. Ask, “How did that feel for you?” or “What was going on for you in that moment?”
Timing Matters: Choose a time when both of you can be present and focused. Avoid launching into an emotional conversation when you're rushed, distracted, or already upset.
Final Thoughts
Emotional awareness and expression are foundational to healthy, connected relationships. By tuning into your own feelings, understanding your emotional philosophy, and learning how to share vulnerably, you can create a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and supported.
As a therapist, I believe that emotional skills can be learned—and that they can profoundly change how we love and are loved. If this is an area you or your partner struggle with, working with a therapist can be a powerful step toward building emotional safety and connection.
Individual RelationshipTherapy Denver, Colorado
Emotions shape how we interpret our partner's actions, how we respond to conflict, and how we build intimacy. Yet, many of us were never taught how to identify our emotions, let alone share them in a way that brings us closer to the people we love. Our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can help you explore why emotions matter so much in relationships and share some practical tools for identifying and expressing your emotions more effectively. Follow the steps below to get started.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think Individual Relationship Therapy is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of creating a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and supported!
We hope to hear from you soon!
