Why Enthusiastic Consent Matters: What Consent Really Means
Public conversations about sexual assault often turn toward the behavior of the person reporting it. Why did she go there? Why didn’t she leave? Did she actually say no? Going somewhere, staying there, or failing to resist does not constitute consent. Those circumstances do not make someone responsible for being assaulted or excuse the person who harmed them.
Sexual contact requires freely given, ongoing agreement. Responsibility for obtaining and respecting that consent remains with the person initiating or continuing the contact.
The sexual assault allegations at Cornell, widely discussed as the “Cornell 7” case, have brought renewed attention to sexual violence and consent. A former student, identified as Jane Doe, alleges in a civil lawsuit that seven fraternity members sexually assaulted her in 2024. The allegations remain under investigation.
The impact of this coverage is already reaching people whose own experiences may have happened years ago. On October 6, RAINN reported that calls to its National Sexual Assault Hotline had increased by 73% over the preceding week. Many callers said that reading about Jane Doe prompted them to reach out.
What enthusiastic consent requires
Enthusiastic consent means actively seeking clear, freely given agreement to what is happening and continuing to pay attention as it unfolds. Agreement to one activity does not authorize another. Being in a relationship does not establish ongoing permission. Someone who is asleep, unconscious, or too intoxicated to make an informed choice cannot consent.
The word “enthusiastic” can sound as though someone needs to perform excitement. People express willingness differently, including quietly. What matters is that participation is freely chosen and clearly communicated, with room to pause or stop. Silence, freezing, and the absence of resistance do not establish consent. Neither does a physical response such as arousal or orgasm.
Respecting consent also requires the ability to manage disappointment. Can you feel disappointed when a partner is uninterested and still respond with care? If someone hesitates, can you stop and become curious about their experience? Asking “Are you sure?” means very little if only one answer will be accepted.
For anyone looking back on an experience and wondering whether you should have protested more clearly, responsibility belongs to the person who violated your consent. You did not owe them a more convincing refusal.
The messages that shape intimacy
Misogyny and patriarchy shape expectations about whose desires take priority and whose discomfort can be disregarded. Consider the familiar idea that men should persist while women should eventually give in. Or the expectation that a woman who disappoints someone should soften the disappointment, reassure him, or reconsider. The World Health Organization identifies gender inequality and beliefs that privilege male entitlement among the factors contributing to violence against women.
These expectations can become deeply personal. You may know that you are allowed to say no while feeling responsible for how another person will react. You may be so practiced at noticing what someone else wants that your own preference barely has time to form. Therapy offers room to explore what you actually wanted, including whether it felt possible to find out.
Men can play a meaningful role in changing these expectations by accepting a boundary without bargaining, challenging a friend’s degrading comments, and listening when someone describes harm. These are choices people can make in their relationships. Sexual violence can affect people of any gender, and everyone deserves care that takes their experience seriously.
When the news feels personal
You might find yourself returning to the coverage even though you feel worse after reading it. You might be angry, distracted, numb, or suddenly less comfortable with touch. News can act as a trauma reminder or trigger, bringing earlier experiences painfully close. Being affected now does not erase work you have already done to heal. You can also feel grief and anger about sexual violence without a personal history of assault.
Perhaps what feels familiar is being disbelieved, having your discomfort minimized, or being expected to protect someone else’s reputation. You can have feelings about those experiences even if you have never called them abuse. Therapy gives you space to understand what happened and what it means to you, without requiring you to settle on a label before you begin.
For now, it may help to choose when you read updates, stop reading graphic accounts, or ask a friend to listen to how the coverage is affecting you without sharing more details. You can care about what happened and take a break. You also get to decide whether, when, and with whom you share your own history.
Trauma therapy can help you work through fear, self-blame, anger, and the ways past experiences affect present relationships. Sex therapy can help when intimacy brings up obligation, shame, or uncertainty about what you want. The work might involve recognizing when you are going along with something, understanding what makes stopping feel difficult, or finding ways to experience closeness that feel welcome to you.
Therapy offers space for your anger and for the parts of your experience that are difficult to put into words. You set the pace of what you share. Feeling more connected to your body and more able to make choices can matter long before you have any interest in sexual intimacy.
For free, confidential support 24/7, contact RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673), text HOPE to 64673, or visit RAINN.org/hotline.
Trauma Therapy and Sex Therapy in Denver, Colorado
When news about sexual violence stirs up your own experiences, it can bring back fear, anger, self-blame, or a sense of disconnection from your body, sometimes years after what happened. Healing doesn’t require you to have the right words for your experience or to share more than you’re ready to. Therapy can offer a steady, confidential space to understand what happened, set down responsibility that was never yours to carry, and reconnect with what you want, at a pace you choose.
Our clinicians at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness offer trauma therapy and sex therapy for adults navigating the effects of sexual violence, questions about consent, and intimacy that brings up obligation, shame, or uncertainty, so your experience can be taken seriously and met with care.
Here’s how to get started:
Get to know our clinicians and their specialties: Meet our team here to find the right fit for you.
Learn about our approach: Read more about trauma therapy and sex therapy at ACTW.
Reach out: Schedule a free phone consultation. You don’t need to have it all figured out before you contact us.
Available in person at our Denver Tech Center, Lower Highlands, and Colorado Springs offices, and virtually throughout Colorado.
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