Understanding the Ace Spectrum: Moving Beyond the Invisible Orientation
What is Asexuality?
Asexuality is often described as experiencing a lack of or limited sexual attraction to others. For some people, this looks like having little or no desire to engage in sex. For others, sex may still be enjoyable or meaningful, just not because of sexual attraction. Like all orientations, asexuality is about internal experience, not behavior. Many ace people have sex, and many don’t; what makes someone asexual is that they identify as such.
Asexuality is a spectrum, not a binary. Most ace people fall on the spectrum as sex indifferent: sex isn’t something they think about much, if at all, but they don’t dread the idea of it. Other ace people are sex repulsed, where even the thought of having sex provokes an automatic, visceral response of “nope”. Asexuality is part of the LGBTQIAA+ (the AA standing for asexual and aromantic, not ally, despite what some people think), but it is frequently misunderstood or pathologized even within the queer community, leading to it being called “the invisible orientation”. Despite this, it’s more common than people realize: around 1 to 5% of the general population is on the ace spectrum. These rates are significantly higher among certain groups: up to 30% of autistic individuals and around 25% of transgender and non-binary people identify as ace. Humans also aren’t the only animals or mammals to experience asexuality! Like how many other animals commonly have same sex mate pairings, some animals also experience a lack of desire for mating altogether.
Sexual Attraction vs Desire
Asexuals will be the first to tell you that asexuality is confusing. In understanding asexuality, it’s helpful to distinguish between several concepts that often get lumped together:
Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with a specific person. This pull towards another person for sex is what ace people don’t feel, or feel very rarely or at much lower intensity.
Sexual desire is craving sexual stimulation, with or without a partner. This can be feeling horny, wanting to put sex on your to-do list, or a desire to masturbate.
Sexual arousal is a physical response that can happen independently of attraction or desire, like being turned on at a specific moment in time.
Ace people are still fully capable of experiencing sexual desire and sexual arousal. The majority of asexuals do masturbate (though many don’t), and some ace people will also have sex. There are many reasons why people have sex without sexual attraction: for intimacy, closeness, a partner’s pleasure, or to engage in kink or fantasy as a way to generate more closeness and pleasure. Research has found that sexual attraction isn’t even in the top five reasons for what makes good sex, so sex can still be plenty enjoyable without it!
It's also important to distinguish between sexual attraction and romantic attraction and that a lack of one doesn’t equate to a lack of the other. If you take sex out of a romantic relationship, romantic attraction is everything left: emotional intimacy, partnership, affection, building a life together, and so much more. These are things that many asexual people experience deeply. People sometimes say that a romantic relationship without sex is just a friendship, and to that I say, if you can’t think of anything besides sex that makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship, you’re probably not in a very romantic relationship.
It's also important to remember that asexuality is an orientation, not a behavioral choice. Celibacy or abstinence is a decision to refrain from sex; asexuality is an internal experience of attraction. Being ace isn’t a choice or something to be fixed; despite this, many ace people experience prejudice from harmful stereotypes and myths, like the belief that men can’t be asexual, asexuality is a disorder, or simply that asexuality isn’t real. None of these are true, and it’s heartbreaking to hear stories of ace people who have been offered “cures” for their asexuality by medical and mental health providers, or by romantic partners who think having sex will “fix” their lack of sexual attraction.
Asexuality in Couples
Navigating relationships where one partner is asexual and another is allosexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction) can be challenging. There may be internal and external pressures around having sex: an ace partner might feel pressured to have sex for their partner or may have internal narratives that there’s something wrong with them; an allo partner might feel insecure and undesired, or like they’re wrong for wanting sex from their ace partner; and both partners might feel selfish for either wanting or not wanting sex. The key to resolving these pressures is communication and redefining intimacy beyond sex (both of which couples therapy can help with!). Many couples explore non-sexual forms of closeness: making out, cuddling, mutual touch within comfortable boundaries, or forms of sensual connection that stop short of sexual activity.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that goes against the inherent value our society places on sex, and for this reason it’s pushed to the side or vilified. Understanding asexuality is the first step towards challenging our beliefs about sex and romance and being open to the possibility of different kinds of love and relationships.
Sex Therapy Denver, Colorado
If you or someone you love is exploring asexuality, navigating questions about sexual and romantic attraction, or seeking support in understanding relationship dynamics across the ace spectrum, you don’t have to do it alone. Our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness provide a compassionate, affirming space for individuals and couples to better understand their identities, communicate with partners, and build the kinds of relationships that feel most authentic and fulfilling. Whether you’re seeking clarity, validation, or help strengthening intimacy in its many forms, we’re here to support you every step of the way. Reach out today to schedule a session and begin your journey toward deeper self-understanding and connection.
