The Four Horsemen and Self-Talk: How Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling Show Up Internally
The Four Horsemen is a concept often used in couples therapy, particularly at Authentic Connections. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Four Horsemen describe patterns of communication that predict the erosion and eventual breakdown of a relationship
In couples therapy, we explore (amongst other things) how these patterns show up between partners, the cycles they create, and the impact they have over time. But what happens when we start using these same patterns on ourselves? How does criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling show up in our relationship with ourselves, arguably the most important relationship we have?
The intent behind this post is to explore how the Four Horsemen can become internalized and directed inward. Additionally, journaling about how each of these shows up in your life could really help you track how the Four Horsemen authentically show up in your relationship with yourself.
We have all engaged in these patterns with ourselves at some point and noticing them is not meant to create more disconnection but hopefully creates opportunity for increased self-awareness.
CRITICISM
Criticism in a relationship sounds like attacking a partner's core character rather than focusing on a specific behavior. It often uses absolute statements like "always" or "never". When turned inward, it can sound like, “What is wrong with me?” “I always mess this up,” or “I’m just bad at this.”
Instead of focusing on what actually happened, the mind jumps to a global conclusion about who you are instead of what happened or what you did. Over time, this creates a harsh internal environment where mistakes feel like proof of something fundamentally wrong with you, rather than opportunities to adjust or learn.
Some examples include:
“You’re always so bad with money”
“You’re just not good at making friends”
“You’re a lonely person and are going to be alone forever”
These statements are painful, and often so untrue. And hastily go right after our character!
I want you to reflect on your own inner critic and whether it is creating the kind of relationship you want with yourself.
Where did you learn how to criticize yourself? Was it a boss, parent, teacher, coach, sibling, bully?
Can you remember the earliest time you started criticizing yourself?
Does a part of you feel protective of that critical voice, believing you wouldn’t be successful without it?
See if you can get curious about this dynamic. Is criticism really what you need every time you make a mistake? And what would it feel like if someone else spoke to you that way? Would you want to continue a relationship with them?
CONTEMPT
Contempt in a relationship looks like communicating from a place of superiority, disrespect, or disgust toward a partner. It often carries an underlying message of “I’m above you” or “you’re beneath me,” and can show up through sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling.
When turned inward, it can sound like, “I’m pathetic,” “This is embarrassing,” “I can’t believe I did that,” or “you’re disgusting.” It carries a tone of harsh judgment or self-disgust, rather than simply acknowledging a mistake or an experience you didn’t want for yourself.
Instead of creating motivation, this tends to create distance from yourself. It makes it harder to show up, try again, or feel grounded in who you are, especially when things don’t go as planned.
Over time, this kind of internal relationship can make it harder to trust yourself or feel safe. It’s hard to grow in a relationship where you feel constantly judged, especially when that relationship is with yourself.
What emotions tend to lead to contempt toward yourself?
Do you notice it showing up in the same situations or around the same themes?
How do you feel when you speak to yourself in this way, and do you even realize it’s happening in the moment?
As you’re reading this, notice if anything feels heavy, familiar, or hard to sit with.
DEFENSIVENESS
Defensiveness in a relationship often looks like protecting yourself from blame by explaining, justifying, or shifting focus away from the issue. Instead of taking in feedback, the response becomes about defending why something happened.
When turned inward, this can look like immediately explaining things away or minimizing your role in a situation.
It can sound like:
“I was tired”
“It’s not that big of a deal”
“Anyone would have done that”
“I didn’t really have a choice”
There is often truth in these statements, but they can also keep you from fully acknowledging whatever it is that happened. Ultimately, if everything is explained away, there is no space to reflect, adjust, or do something differently next time. Defensiveness keeps us stuck, while accountability creates opportunity for change.
The shift here from defensiveness to respectful accountability can look like:
“Yeah, that wasn’t how I wanted to show up. What would I want to do differently next time?”’
“I really wish I didn’t say that to my kid. That wasn’t how I want to show up as a parent. How do I want to repair this situation? What changes do I need to make to ensure that doesn’t happen again?”
Accountability allows for change. Defensiveness tends to protect the pattern. Over time, constantly defending yourself can make it harder to trust your ability to grow, because nothing is ever fully owned.
And it’s hard to change something you’re always protecting.
What situations tend to bring up defensiveness for you?
Do you notice yourself quickly explaining or minimizing when something doesn’t go how you wanted?
Do you notice yourself becoming defensive when the other horsemen show up, as a way of protecting yourself?
STONEWALLING
Stonewalling in a relationship looks like shutting down, withdrawing, or disengaging completely. Instead of staying present in the interaction, one person checks out, either emotionally or physically.
When turned inward, this can look like disconnecting from yourself.
It can show up as:
Scrolling
Numbing out
Using substances to cope
Telling yourself “I’ll deal with it later” and not returning to it
It is unrealistic to stay fully present in every internal experience we have. Sometimes we need to shut down or numb out to get through our day. That can be protective. It can help us hold ourselves together in the moment and come back to it later. This happens at work, at school, and in many everyday situations.
The issue is not that we shut down. The struggle is when shutting down becomes the automatic response, even in moments where we could be present with ourselves, or when we never return to what we avoided.
Avoidance can bring temporary relief, but it often delays whatever needs attention (not always a bad thing, but something to get curious about!). Over time, it can create a pattern of disconnection, where you are less in touch with your own thoughts, emotions, and needs.
The shift here is not forcing yourself to fully process everything at once but allowing yourself to stay present just a little longer, or intentionally coming back to yourself later to reflect, so the experience isn’t lost.
To facilitate this return to Self, you can ask:
What am I actually feeling right now? What am I avoiding?Why don’t I feel safe being present with myself in this moment? What do I need in order to feel safe?
Even brief moments of awareness can help you stay connected to yourself. And it’s hard to build a relationship with yourself if you consistently check out of it.
In Practice
We all have moments of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and shutting down. The question is not whether they show up (because they do for all of us!). It’s how often, how automatically, whether we notice them, and do we want to change that pattern. The way you relate to yourself is still a relationship. And like any relationship, it can become more supportive, more honest, and more aligned over time with humility and effort.
You don’t need to fix everything at once.
You don’t need to get rid of these patterns completely.
Start by noticing.
Notice when criticism shows up.
Notice when you turn on yourself.
Notice when you demean yourself.
Notice when you explain things away or check out.
If your relationship with yourself feels fraught, unstable, critical or just unfulfilling, therapy is a place where we can explore that relationship and cultivate something better.
Individual Relationship Therapy Denver, CO
If you’re starting to recognize these patterns in your own inner dialogue, you don’t have to navigate that awareness alone. Our therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness are here to help you explore your relationship with yourself in a deeper, more compassionate way. Therapy can offer a space to slow down, understand where these patterns come from, and begin shifting toward a more supportive and honest internal voice. If you’re ready to build a healthier, more connected relationship with yourself, reach out to begin that process with guidance and support.
