Why Your First Money Memory Matters: Exploring Financial Wellness in Therapy
In the Stone Ages of psychotherapy, it was rare to discuss topics that were considered taboo, such as politics, money, or religion. Thankfully, this is no longer the case — your relationship with money can be a powerful topic to explore in therapy.
As a therapist, I embrace taboo. Therapy is a space where topics that are often avoided can be given air in a culture that stifles them. Money is not a “gross” or “embarrassing” topic — treating it as such only gives it more control. We all need to interact with money, and for many reasons, these interactions are often stressful, shame-filled, and defeating. Furthermore, there are very real systemic barriers to financial wellness that impact people in major ways that fuel this distress.
Today, I want to explore some themes and reflections that may be helpful to journal about, discuss with your partner or friends, or even bring into your own therapy. What part of our relationship with money deserves deeper exploration? And how does our relationship with money extend into other relationships in our lives, including the relationship with ourselves?
Throughout this post, you’ll notice a series of questions about money. These are not meant to be answered perfectly or all at once. Instead, I hope they spark curiosity, awareness, and empowerment around how you relate to money. And as you move through them, know that you’re not alone; I found myself reflecting on my own money mindset as I was writing this, too.
Some of the reflections and prompts in this post are inspired by the Financial Feminist podcast by Tori Dunlap, which has meaningfully shaped how I think about money and shame. Regardless of how you identify, her work offers thoughtful, accessible reflections on money, power, and so much more, so I want to give credit where it’s due.
Before exploring money through thoughts and experiences, it can be helpful to first notice how money lives in the body.
To start, bring the word “money” to the forefront of your mind. You can close your eyes or rest your gaze on a neutral spot in the room. Notice what happens in your body.
Does your throat tighten?
Does your lower back feel stiff or tense?
Do you feel overwhelmed, helpless, anxious, [insert-the-blank]?
How is your body signaling to you that it’s feeling this way?
Does your mind immediately want to escape and think about something else?
Is there a memory that surfaces?
Just notice that emotional or physical reaction to the word. What was this experience like for you?
OH, ME AND MONEY GO WAY BACK
One question Tori often asks on the podcast is: What is your first money memory? In other words, what is the earliest time you remember becoming aware of money?
I encourage you to ask yourself this now. Is your first money memory one that feels uncomfortable or shame-filled, causing you to reach for a more palatable memory instead? Is it an innocent and sweet memory? Is it something you’re surprised you still remember? How old were you? Did it involve a peer, a parent, or a sibling?
THE MEANING WE ATTACH TO MONEY
Our early experiences with money shape what money comes to represent later in life. Using only one word, what does money mean to you?
This answer often reflects how we’ve been socialized and the roles we were taught to hold around money. It can also reflect oppression, systemic barriers, and financial injustice that have been inherited through generations, particularly in underrepresented communities. For some people, money may symbolize independence, security, autonomy, or choice, particularly amongst female-identifying people. For others, it may represent power, success, control, or stability. There is no right or wrong answer… please try not to overthink it and simply notice the first word that comes to mind.
MONEY, EMOTIONS, COPING
Our emotional relationship with money often shows up in our behaviors, especially our impulsive ones.
Some questions that can help illuminate how emotions, behaviors, and money interact include:
Do I use money to pull myself out of emotional states I don’t want to be in, such as stress, sadness, boredom, or anxiety?
Do I spend when I’m overwhelmed?
Do I use shopping, food, travel, or treating others as a way to cope or self-soothe?
Do I avoid looking at my bank account when I feel shame?
For this last one, this is touching on a phenomenon called the Ostrich Effect (Tori talks about this in her podcast too). This is when we put our head in the sand with our finances and avoid looking at them out of fear. I love this metaphor because we all partake in the Ostrich Effect at times, and it often shows up in areas of our lives beyond just money. I picture it like a New York Times–style cartoon — an ostrich with her head in the sand, avoiding checking the balance on her debit card. How relatable! And adorable!
“I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW”
Something else to explore is whether your spending aligns with your values.
When you look at your bank statements, do they reflect what matters most to you? Do they support your well-being, your goals, and the life you want to build, or do they tell a different story?
And this cannot be stated enough: it is incomprehensible how expensive everything is right now. For many people, large portions of their income go toward basic needs like rent, groceries, healthcare, transportation, and just getting by. If your bank statements are filled with necessities and survival costs, that is not a personal failure. That is the reality of the economic system most of us are floundering in.
You cannot budget your way out of poverty, and “budget culture” can sometimes create a binge-and-restrict relationship with spending, where people swing between intense control and impulsive relief. This often fuels shame, secrecy, and burnout rather than financial well-being.
Therefore, a compassionate, realistic approach to money acknowledges both personal choices and the larger systems we live within.
Take a moment to gently ask yourself: Do I have a binge-and-restrict relationship with spending? If not now, have I in the past?
WHEN MONEY ENTERS OUR RELATIONSHIPS
Our relationship with money does not exist in isolation. It often shows up in our relationships with other people. If this is hitting a nerve, then it likely means this is an area that holds emotion, history, or meaning for you.
How do money conversations feel with your partner, family, or friends?
Do you avoid talking about it altogether?
Do you notice tension, defensiveness, shame, or power struggles arise when they are discussed?
Do you and your partner view money similarly, or does it represent different things to each of you?
One common pitfall I see in relationships is assuming we already understand our partner’s money story or what money represents to them. This simply isn’t true. We can fill in the gaps based on our own experiences, fears, or interpretations, which leads to disconnection and judgement.
Individual Relationship Therapy Denver, CO
Exploring your money story is about more than just numbers. It is about understanding the emotions, memories, and systemic influences that shape your security and self-worth. Our therapists at Authentic Connection Therapy and Wellness provide a safe, judgment free space to unpack these complexities and transform shame into empowerment. Whether you are navigating financial anxiety or looking to align your spending with your values, we are here to support your journey toward financial wellness.
