Understanding and Healing the Protective IFS Parts of Yourself That You Dislike
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has a way of uncovering the parts of us that we may not like very much about ourselves. Maybe it’s the inner critic that feels nonstop, the frustrating self-sabotaging ones that don’t make logical sense, the heightened anxiety, or even the avoidant part that tends to run away. These parts can feel like adversaries, but in the IFS framework, they’re actually looking out for us, trying to protect us in some way.
Here’s the complicated thing: their intentions are good.
Why do I have Parts I Dislike?
IFS asserts that every part of us exists for a reason. Even the parts that seem harmful or infuriating are actually trying to protect and have been informed by our prior experiences. These protectors come to exist as a response to trauma, pain, shame, or other difficult emotions. They seek to safeguard the vulnerable “exiles” within us, which are those wounded parts of ourselves that we hide away or bury deep within.
What might some of these parts look like?
The inner critic might be aiming to prevent you from making mistakes so as not to experience any shame.
The self-sabotaging part might be aiming to protect you from disappointment or failure through a sense of internal control in which you stop yourself from trying in the first place.
The numbing or dissociative part might believe that shutting down is the best or only way of experiencing safety.
They all have a meaningful, good-intentioned role. The problem is, their strategies often go awry and may create consequences or further pain.
What if I Dislike these Parts of Me?
Feeling frustration and distrust towards these parts is very normal. However, the more we resist their presence in our life, the more stuck we might feel. IFS suggests a different approach: leaning in to curiosity and compassion. Instead of trying to rid ourselves of these parts, we can befriend them, understand their fears, and help them transform to new, healthier roles. While these parts can often feel stuck in “trauma time,” introspection and therapy can help one update these parts so that they can begin to take on these new, healthier roles.
A few questions to explore:
What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?
Where did this part learn its current role?
How old does this part think I am? (Many parts are stuck in this past “trauma time.”)
What does this part need from me?
When we stop fighting these parts and start seeking to understand, they can take a step back instead of feeling the need to “drive the bus.” They understand that they don’t have to work so hard to protect us anymore.
Learning to Work Alongside (Rather than Against) my Protectors
Healing doesn’t come from trying to rid myself of these parts. In fact, these parts are often doing the job they learned to keep me safe, protected, and able to function. Healing comes from creating a relationship with them. When I notice a part that I dislike showing up for me, I can try to pause and internally dialogue with this part to say and ask:
“I see you. What are you trying to protect me from?”
“What do you need from me right now to feel safe or understood?”
Sometimes, that simple acknowledgement and offer of kindness is enough to help the parts relax. Over time, they can develop into more adjusted, supportive roles that feel more helpful than harmful.
If you have parts of yourself you dislike, keep in mind: They’re not the enemy. They’re trying to help and protect using the information that they’ve picked up over time. Through access to compassion, patience, and curiosity, you can teach them a new role.
Individual Relationship Therapy Denver, Colorado
IFS asserts that every part of us exists for a reason, our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can help you understand that the parts that seem harmful or infuriating are actually trying to protect and have been informed by our prior experiences. Follow the steps below to get started.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think Individual relationship therapy is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of developing your IFS parts into more adjusted, supportive roles that feel more helpful than harmful.
We hope to hear from you soon!
