Why Fixing Isn’t Helping: How to Support Your Partner by Holding Space, Not Solving Problems
You’re sitting across from your partner, watching their face tighten as they talk about a stressful day at work. You hate seeing them like this. So, you jump in:
"Why don’t you just talk to your boss about it?"
"You should try waking up earlier—maybe that would help."
"Have you tried meditation? I read it really helps with stress."
You are somewhat surprised when they respond with frustration. Maybe they even snap back with, "I don’t need you to fix it!" And now you feel defensive.
So, what’s happening here? And why does this dynamic feel so familiar?
The Urge to Fix: Where It Comes From
It’s likely that you’re coming from a place of care, wanting to help ease their stress or pain. Maybe you’re a natural problem-solver and jumping in with solutions feels like an act of love. You want to help. You hate seeing your partner in distress.
Often, we learn this strategy long before adulthood. Our parents may have responded to our emotions similarly.
“Why are you sad? You don’t have a reason to be sad.”
“Here try this, that will make you feel better.”
Even the most well-meaning parents tend to jump into problem-solving mode with their children. It’s difficult to watch someone you love struggle, and the instinct is to ease their discomfort. But in doing so, we unintentionally send the message that certain emotions are undesirable—something to fix or avoid. Sadness becomes something to distract from, anger something to suppress, and embarrassment something to escape.
It is important to hear your partner before jumping in with solutions.
When someone shares their struggles, they’re not always looking for advice. They may be looking for connection. To feel heard, seen, and not alone.
When we rush to fix the “problem”, we unintentionally send the message:
Your feelings are a problem to be solved.
You’re not capable of handling this on your own.
I’m uncomfortable with your emotions, so I need to make them go away.
Why Fixing Backfires
When your partner is struggling, they likely already know what they "should" do. Telling them what to do often feels dismissive, even if that’s not your intention.
It invalidates their emotions. Instead of feeling heard, they feel like their emotions are being minimized.
It puts you in a "superior" position. Giving advice can feel patronizing, even if you mean well.
It shifts the focus away from emotional connection. Instead of creating space for feelings, it rushes toward a solution.
So, what do they actually need? Someone to sit with them in it.
What It Means to “Hold Space”
Holding space is about being with your partner in their emotions without trying to change or control them. It’s about making them feel seen, heard, and understood.
When we simply listen, reflect, and acknowledge our partner’s pain or struggle, it helps them feel more grounded. Children develop self-regulation when their parents validate their emotions, help them name their feelings, and show them that their pain is seen, accepted, and held with love.
Here’s what that looks like:
Listen without formulating a response.
Don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just absorb what they’re saying.
Validate their emotions.
"That sounds really overwhelming."
"I can see why that would be frustrating."
"That makes total sense."
Ask what they need.
"Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?"
"How can I best support you right now?"
Get comfortable with silence.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is sit with them in their discomfort. No words needed.
Resist the urge to "fix."
If they ask for help, great. If not, let them have their process.
Shifting Your Mindset: From Problem-Solver to Partner
Instead of seeing your partner’s struggles as problems to solve, try viewing them as opportunities for deeper connection. When you stop fixing and start listening, you create a space where they feel truly safe—where they don’t have to defend their emotions or prove their struggles are real.
Couples Therapy Denver, Colorado
When your partner is struggling, they likely already know what they "should" do. Our skilled therapists at Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness can give you the tools to make them feel seen, heard, and understood.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think Individual relationship therapy or Couples Counseling is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of seeing your partner’s struggles as opportunities for a deeper connection.
We hope to hear from you soon!
